The Turning Point

Thanksgiving 2021 had come and gone and the holiday season was gearing up to be a busy one. I was enjoying the holidays even more than usual since things were slowly getting back to normal after the long COVID pandemic. One night in early December I was out with friends and an old friend bought me a shot of whiskey. Instead of politely declining, I figured one shot wouldn’t hurt because I could control my drinking. Little did I know, it was the start of a snowball rolling down a mountain. That one drink led to a few more the next day. Within a day or two, I was hiding liquor and wine bottles in my room where I could drink without anyone knowing I was getting drunk. Soon I could feel everything I had accomplished while being sober was all slipping away due to a dreadful disease called alcoholism.

For most of my life, I was able to control it, but as the disease progresses, it becomes harder and harder to control. By the first full week of December, I lost the ability to control it completely and felt it was going to be the death of me if drastic measures were not taken. As much as I wanted to stop, I could not. Alcohol had taken control of my sense of reasoning. I could feel I was slipping away to the point of no return. I remember shopping at different stores for wine or whiskey so no one person would see how much I was actually buying. At the time, I knew it was wrong, but I kept telling myself that I would stop the next day. Soon, I was about to do something that would drastically change my life.

On December 9th, I spoke with a good friend who had been in rehab. We really hadn’t hung out much over the past couple of years, but for some unknown reason, we were hanging out this particular week. He had relapsed and I guess that made me more comfortable. I had been drinking all night and morning. We went to check out his new house and then went to my parent’s house. By this time, I don’t remember too many details of all that transpired. I do know that he asked if I would go to rehab that afternoon. Much to everyone’s surprise, I agreed to go that day. Family and friends had suggested it for me in the past, but I always refused because in my mind, rehab was for losers and societal failures. It was different this time, though. I guess in the back of my mind I knew and my body knew that this was the right decision because I was getting closer to death. I was also finally realizing how my drinking was negatively impacting me and everyone around me who I love and care for deeply. Alcohol truly was destroying every aspect of my life: my health(both physically and emotionally), my relationships with others, financially, my work, etc. Alcoholism has the ability to destroy everything in it’s path like a tornado. Stopping the tornado is not easy either because it will run its course until it dies out for lack of fuel. Finally admitting I needed help was the only way to stop feeding the storm.

After the first night in detox at the rehab clinic, the reality of everything started to sink in. I started remembering the destruction I left behind, I was scared, alone and in an unfamiliar place. I wanted to escape. I only stayed because of the urging of my wonderful family and friends who gave me a little dose of tough love for which I am truly thankful. Yes, it is true that the hardest step is to admit you are an alcoholic and need help. What they do not tell you is that the journey forward is difficult on so many levels. After begrudgingly accepting the new path I was going down, I decided the only way forward was to have a positive attitude and an open mind. As soon as I was given a schedule of classes and meetings, I decided I should at least try them because they would not hurt me. To my surprise, I actually enjoyed the rehab program and from that point on, I did not miss any of the classes or meetings and eventually opened up and shared my story and expressed my thoughts. Everyone there came from all walks of life, but we all had a common bond that brought us all together: addiction. It was an eye-opening experience to realize I had things in common with well-to-do people, adolescents, drug dealers, drug abusers, murderers, former gang members and people of all races and nationalities. Alcoholism and addiction has NO boundaries and can effect ANYONE.

It took me several days to fully detox and it was rough. I could hardly write my name because I was shaking so terribly, I could not keep anything down for about two full days and I was afraid of falling because I had very little sense of balance. In addition to that, I was trying to adjust to a life without cell phones, computers, social media, curfews, nightly bed checks, etc. I was a fish out of water, but I wanted to swim again. I would go to the meetings and would sometimes feel inferior because others were doing so well. After being there a full week, I finally had a routine and felt more comfortable. On the morning of December 17, 2021, I was sitting out on the porch watching the sun come up as the fog would roll by. It was 10 minutes before I had to go to my process group and I had an ‘ah-ha’ moment. I quickly went inside and wrote what I was feeling about my experience I felt at that moment. I have only shared this with a couple of people because I normally do not express my inner feeling very often. Here is what I wrote:

“On a rainy October morning, I was born into this world. When I arrived to my home the first time, the sun was shining and a large banner was on the house welcoming me to my family who were anxiously awaiting my arrival. Through my childhood, the sun never seemed to set as I began to develop hopes and dreams for my future. Then alcohol crept into my life and the sun seemed to get lower and lower in the sky. As alcoholism took over, my sunny days turned to nights, some of them very dark and stormy nights. Nighttime seemed to last an eternity as I was yearning to see the sun again. Once I made the choice for sobriety, I can now see the sun rising again. It is a wonderful feeling and I am longing for the sun to be high above my head once again. I know some storms will roll through and block out the sun temporarily, but I know it won’t last for long. I have faith that my days will be forever sunny once again.”

In future blogs, I will discuss how alcoholism slowly took hold of my life, held it hostage and how my journey in recovery progresses. I know I will never be cured, but just have to take it one day at a time, keep a positive attitude and keep recognizing my triggers and how to cope with them in order not to relapse. The one big thing I want everyone to take away from my experience in this blog and future blogs is that alcoholism is an incurable disease, but having a supportive network, a positive attitude and willingness to change, YOU can live a wonderful and full life in recovery WITHOUT alcohol (or other addictions). Twenty-one days ago, I celebrated my first 90 days of sobriety and I am happy and full of life once again!! Join me in my journey, find your inner peace!!